Dear New Laundromat,

I think I love you, new laundromat.  Indeed, I would like to thank you for making me realize that my previous laundromat was pampering me and making me soft.  Not only was it closer to my apartment, but the staff there spoke fluent English, pressed my shirts and pants, and didn’t bother making me purchase a refillable laundry card for $1 that seems to have no actual use.  They didn’t even know that you could fold boxer shorts by stuffing the cuffs into the waist, thereby creating a handy ball of underwear.  What assholes!

Today, as I iron my shirts that used to come back to me ready-to-wear, I pause to reflect on your majesty.  Sure, the old place offered free coffee and cookies and sold hot dogs and fresh fruit juices.  But you’ve got vending machines!  I can’t wait for winter to come so that I may enjoy a soggy stroll through a snowy wonderland as I trudge the extra brisk block to your door (that only sometimes opens automatically).

Love you!

Sincerely,

Phil

I’m sad.

I know this is a comedy blog, but I’m a little sad today.  Glum.  I wasn’t going to post this but then I thought, “Hey, people should know that even hilarious people get sad sometimes.”  Eh, I’m going through something.

Regardless, please come see FINGER TONIGHT!

FINGER HAS A NEW SHOW THIS THURSDAY!

BUY YOUR TICKETS HERE!

FingerComedy Is Getting a Makeover!

Don’t panic, Fingerinos!

FingerComedy.com was showing up messily in some versions of IE, so we’re taking the opportunity to dress the site up a bit.  We’re all about reducing clutter and making sure you know who wrote which posts.

We’re gonna be pretty!

Nearly 5 years in NYC, nearly

I switch roommates pretty frequently.  (I don’t really like people.)  Here are a list of the roommates I’ve had since moving to the city in late 2003 and some notes about them…

Apt 1 – 5 “bedroom” “apartment” in LES; November 2003-August 2004

1) JASON – d*ck

2) WILL – d*ck

3) JILL – b*tch

4) STEVE – not me, cool dude

5) BECKY (???) – forget her name, we only overlapped briefly. She was okay.  I ran into on the subway like a year later and she was on her way to campaign (for Kerry??) in Ohio.  So, in my head, she’s a little bit of a hippie.  But that’s cool. 

Apt 2 – 2 bedroom in E. Village; September 2004 – October 2005

6) MIKE – ehh.  Cool enough.  We got into a fight right at the end and if we hadn’t, FINGER wouldn’t exist.  Weird.

Apt 3 – 2 bedroom in E. Village (one floor up from last apt.; still paid a broker’s fee); October 2005 – present

7) ALICE – Australian.  She was great.  I once joke, ” I hope a dingo doesn’t eat your rent check.”  She didn’t laugh.  But she’s still cool.

8 ) MEDHI – French.  Borderline d*ck.  Wouldn’t stop cooking bad smelling food. 

9) GILLE – French.  He was great.  And by great, I mean, never home.  Ever.  What a great guy.  I found out on his last night that he was the son of some big wig in France.  Good job!

10) COURTNEY – B*tch.  So nasty.  She turned me off living with girls.  She broke the toilet a lot.  Like a strange amount of times.  But her Mom was really nice.  I remember thinking, “How’d that happen?” and feeling bad that the cool, nice mom had a mean, negative daughter. 

11) THEO – He stayed the longest (11 months).   In hindsight, he was a good roommate, but at the time he would get on my nerves sometimes. But, a cool guy.  And he boned a lot.

12) JAMIE - Young and he stayed the shortest, 1.5 months (so far).  I think he cracked from the pressure of NYC.  NYC is tough man, but I don’t need to tell you that. 

13) JEFF – For a square, he was cool.  He had a good run, and I wanted him to stay.  In terms of roommates, he was t*ts.  I wish he didn’t have to leave.  I….think….I…..love….you….Jeff….

14) NICHOLAS – Current, short term roommate. Young.  Like 20 years old young. Put on a shirt and remember to lock the door.  No, he’s fine.  He’s very bright eyed and bushy tailed, and I am not those adjectives.  Stay tuned.

15) YOU?????  Everyone’s a suspect.

CONCLUSION:  Much like the famous “Dazed and Confused” line, lately it appears that what I like about my roommates is that as I get older, they stay the same age (or get younger.)

<> this is my gallbladder <>

RE: Phil’s New Hat

Yes, I’m wearing a men’s hat.  Take a good look.  It’s just like in the movies.  No, I don’t feel out-of-place wearing this thing.  The only people who seem to mind are people who’ve known me to not wear hats for my whole life.  A hat is a valid choice.

You know, I could say some things about the fashion choices you’ve made.  You’re not perfect.  But when you boldly present yourself at the risk of appearing unsightly or, God forbid, out of the ordinary, I hold my tongue.  This is not because I come from a place of diminished power due to my new hat.  It is because I’m classy.  Wearing a men’s hat assures my status as a classy man about town.

Yes, the feather is removable.  I’d remove it but then I don’t know what to do with it so that it doesn’t get ruined in case I want to wear the hat with a feather in it at some point.  So I’m rocking the feather.  The way the hatter intended, thank you very much.

I’ll not entertain the notions of haters.  You’re just jealous because now if you decide to go get yourself a pork pie hat of your own, it’ll be because I planted the seed.  I am setting a trend, regardless of whether anyone participates in the trend itself.  My hat is a delightful accessory to liven up my already almost-formal day-to-day attire.  It does not define me.  Rather, I will redefine it.

If you wish to continue hating on my hat, please refer to the following helpful website:

http://philbilly.ytmnd.com

Finger Returns to the PIT this Thursday!

The title of this post just about says it all.  We’re launching our second run at the People’s Improv Theater this Thursday, July 10.  This show is going to be jam packed with brand new sketches, sex, violence, music, and lots of laughs.  Don’t miss out!

Finger

People’s Improv Theater

Thursday, July 10 @ 9:30 PM

8 bucks

www.thepit-nyc.com  (for tickets, location, etc.)

Wall E

I saw Wall-E this weekend and it’s awesome.  But it got me thinking about the future, because it shows all humans in chairs and drinking french-fry milkshakes rather than walking and eating real meals.

But a french-fry milkshake kinda sounds good to me?  Is that bad?

Here are my top-ten milkshakes that don’t exist but should (in ascending order because there’s more suspense that way):

10.  Turkey-Apple-Brie shake:  This is a really awesome sandwich, so I figure it’s still pretty good once it’s pureed.

9.  Chips-Guacamole-Lime shake:  I would miss the action of dipping chips into dip (Why is that fun?), but the portability of this drink more than makes up for that.

8.  Everything-From-Taco-Bell-In-A-Shake shake:  You’d have to have like 18 times the cinnamon crisp things vs. everything else to make it palatable.  But is it really that different from regular Taco Bell in shake form?

7.  Snyder’s-Buffalo-Chicken-Wing-Pretzel shake:  Soften the pretzels with a little concoction of Ranch + Bleu Cheese.  Need I say more?

6.  Actual-Buffalo-Chicken-Wing shake:  See #7.  This has more protein so it’s higher on the list.

5.  Lobster-Butter shake:  Costly.

4.  Bacon-Egg-&-Cheese shake:  This will definitely burn in the back of your throat as it goes down.  Especially if you’re like me and ask for Pepper-Jack cheese.  The best.

3.  Ruby-Tuesdays-Apps-Sampler shake:  Mozzarella Sticks, Jalapeno Poppers, Chicken Strips, Queso Dip and Southwestern Spring Rolls.  Chum this up with a Diet Coke to save on calories.

2.  Numbers-6-and-7-combined shake:  Add extra ranch-bleu cheese potion, and make sure there’s a football game on.  And a doctor nearby with stockpiles of Plavix.

***DRUM ROLL***

1.  Chocolate-with-turduckin-and-garlic-mashed-potatoes-and-cranberry-sauce-and-fuck-it-why-not-put-some-butternut-squash-casserole-in-their-too:  This is the only one of these that actually sounds good.  I think it speaks to the power of chocolate to make anything good.

-M

Awkward pictures of Fingers and one of Jim Gaffigan from a distance